Who Says Life is Easy
I am still surprised when life sneaks up on me. It happens at about halfway through the semester. I become so absorbed in pathophysiology of diseases, nursing interventions, and clinicals that I don't see things under my nose. A couple of weeks ago my mom got sick (she's better now) and now my step-daughter isn't doing so well right now. It takes big stuff to jerk me out of this stupor and now I'm worried that I'm too far out of it. I hope I can concentrate on the both and successfully pull home life and school life to a happy ending. When it rains, it pours right? I think I'm in the middle of a thunderstorm. I just need to keep focusing on what I need to, in this moment, and try to move back and forth between the two.
I still worry about being a good mom. I still worry about if I'm learning this information and can actually put it to practice when I'm helping people. If I can't help the people in my own family, can I possibly be of help to the people who are depending on me to keep them alive? Did I take on too much doing this school? I wish there were multiple choice answers to my questions, just like on my exams. How do I keep my loved ones safe A. B. C. D. Choose one. Sometimes I feel like even if I had choices I'd pick the wrong choice.
It's not just nursing school, after all, it's the journey of life. Isn't that what I'm trying to protect? So in the middle of maternity, where I'm seeing new life every week, I find myself trying my damndest to protect the lives of those around me. I feel like they're not supposed to be the people I'm learning about. My family should be on my side and patients should be on the other. It's a whole different ballgame when those lines cross. It involves a whole lot of emotion and more worrying than before I started school. Now I know what can go wrong. I've seen the pictures, I've heard the teachers talk about it. A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. I've come a long way to be this scared, but I don't think it's going away anytime soon. So while life is smacking me around a little, and always at the worst of times, I need to remember that I'm not in control of everything and that my plans make God laugh. All I can ask is that he's watching over my loved ones and the loved ones of whoever is reading this.
Lots of Blessings
Mary
I still worry about being a good mom. I still worry about if I'm learning this information and can actually put it to practice when I'm helping people. If I can't help the people in my own family, can I possibly be of help to the people who are depending on me to keep them alive? Did I take on too much doing this school? I wish there were multiple choice answers to my questions, just like on my exams. How do I keep my loved ones safe A. B. C. D. Choose one. Sometimes I feel like even if I had choices I'd pick the wrong choice.
It's not just nursing school, after all, it's the journey of life. Isn't that what I'm trying to protect? So in the middle of maternity, where I'm seeing new life every week, I find myself trying my damndest to protect the lives of those around me. I feel like they're not supposed to be the people I'm learning about. My family should be on my side and patients should be on the other. It's a whole different ballgame when those lines cross. It involves a whole lot of emotion and more worrying than before I started school. Now I know what can go wrong. I've seen the pictures, I've heard the teachers talk about it. A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. I've come a long way to be this scared, but I don't think it's going away anytime soon. So while life is smacking me around a little, and always at the worst of times, I need to remember that I'm not in control of everything and that my plans make God laugh. All I can ask is that he's watching over my loved ones and the loved ones of whoever is reading this.
Lots of Blessings
Mary
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